SPECIAL GUEST: Dude Whisperer Gives the 411 on Why Celebrities Cheat (Contest!)
Eva Longoria, Shania Twain, Maria Shriver, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock. What do all these women have in common? These are women whose husbands have cheated on them, and in some cases, cheated down.
It made me wonder for the umpteenth time, why do men cheat? (Yes, I know women cheat, too, but this post is about men.) Was comedian Chris Rock telling the truth when he said, “Men are as faithful as their options”?
Lucky me, I stumbled upon a blog where a man is telling it like it is—real talk, if you will. His name is The Dude Whisperer, and he’s here to help. He explains why women are looking at it all wrong. Before I share his insight with you, let me first introduce the man behind the pearls of wisdom. Let’s get started!
Tell us about yourself.
My father was the son of a diplomat and a professional hockey player and my mother was an astrophysicist who got caught up for a time with the Russian mafia. They met at a CIA recruitment event, fell instantly into a forbidden love, and dropped off the grid to have kids and live off the land under assumed names in the rural South. I learned to handle a sword at the age of 3 and once had dinner in Nashville with Boris Yeltsin and Wayne Gretzky.
Okay, okay. I’m just a regular guy. Totally stable family and normal upbringing. I like baseball. And pie.
Yes or no: Does size matter?
Sure it does. You can debate how much and to whom, but if it didn’t matter at all this question would stop getting asked, right?
Finish this sentence: I’m addicted to…
Caffeine. The Colbert Report. Beekeeping. Coming up with new nicknames for my cat, who is known lately as Mr. Bitey, Senor Fish, and Peebot 3000.
Short answer choices:
Leather or lace? Lace
Long or short hair? Doesn’t matter
Fruity drink or strong liquor? Fruity drink
Heels or flats? Flats
Jeans or skirt? Jeans
Coffee or tea? Coffee
Glamorous girl or girl next door? Girl next door
Picky eater or adventurous? Adventurous!
Glamorous makeup or au naturale? Au naturale
Sexy bed-head or sophisticated coif? Whichever is less fussy
When is your favorite time of the day to make love? Right now.
You had me going there for a minute when you told us about yourself. I’m glad you admitted you’re a regular person like the rest of us. I was about to rewrite my own bio. LOL.
How long have you been writing your blog and what prompted it?
The blog’s been up for three years.
It came about because I’d be cooking dinner or whatever and I’d hear The Wifey’s friends talking in the next room about the dudes in their lives. And a lot of how they were interpreting dude behavior just seemed waaaay off base. Like, alternate universe off base.
So, I’d poke my head in the door and say, “Oh no, no, no. Let me tell you what he’s thinking right now…” Then I’d elaborate. Then they’d stare at me like I’d just neatly demystified String Theory. It was actually The Wifey’s friends who started calling me “The Dude Whisperer” and convinced me that dude interpretation was a service that might be in demand.
Interesting…Okay, now to the meat and potatoes. On your blog, you answer questions about men. Below is the answer you gave to one of your readers who asked a question similar to mine. Thanks for letting me share it with my readers.
Dear Dude Whisperer,
Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? Specifically, what is it about all
these celebrity dudes cheating on their hot, respectable wives with cheap
groupie hoes who aren’t even that good looking?
Jesse James was cheating on Sandra Bullock with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee who had a freaky forehead tattoo. Tiger Woods was nailing some very average looking cocktail waitresses despite being married to Elin Nordegren, a former Swedish model. And Tony Parker was married to Eva Longoria. Why would anyone cheat on the woman who was #1 on Maxim’s “Hot 100″ List two years in a row?
Can you explain this?
A regular girl who is confused by celebrity penises
Glad you asked this one. The DW and The Wifey have talked about the wandering celebrity wiener at length a couple times. The Wifey kept asking, “Why? Why would they do that?” and The DW kept answering, “Duh. Because they can.” Once was after Jesse James and once was after Tiger. The disconnect is this-you’re thinking about these affairs in terms of replacement, whereas celebrity dudes think of them in terms of addition.
David Beckham was not allegedly having sex with a big boobed Dutch model instead of Posh Spice, he was allegedly having sex with a big boobed Dutch model in addition to Posh Spice. Ask any dude on the street if he’d rather bone Natalie Portman or a random Chili’s hostess and he’ll say Natalie Portman. But ask the same dude if he’d rather bone Portman, Chili’s, or both and he’ll say both, even if Chili’s is considerably less erudite, famous, or attractive. Sometimes, as with design principles or preparing a great cut of meat, less is more. But with boobies, more tends just to be more.
So when, say, Sandra Bullock is cheated on for Bombshell McGee it’s useless to compare the relative merits of each. Jesse James wasn’ t thinking, “Now here’s a woman vastly superior to my gorgeous, rich, smart wife! I must make her mine!” He wasn’t thinking about his wife at all. He was probably just bored after a car show or something and wanted a hummer. Maybe Sandy was out of town, maybe he’s just a dick, maybe he figured a chick with a forehead tattoo would be a little extra freaky-deaky change of pace. Who knows? But it’s not like Sandy was going to vaporize the moment ole Bombshell removed her panties and got to work. Loss? Nothing. Gain? A few plows in the garden. That simple.
Same goes for Elin Nordegren or Eva Longoria getting cheated on. Neither could be much more beautiful, right? But again, not the point. Tiger Woods and Tony Parker simply have nearly constant access to tons of available women who will f*ck them. At some point it occurred to them that it might be really, really fun to nail just about all of them. Admirable? Perhaps not. Inevitable? Just about.
Fact is, most average dudes would have a hard time staying faithful if they woke up tomorrow and women were flying through the windows to be the first to grab their hotel room key. It’s one thing to keep yourself from making the effort to actively seek out an affair. But when women are forever seeking you out? Eventually, you’re going to say yes.
And then there’s the Brett Favre part of the equation. There may be no better example of what being superfamous must do to a dude. Nobody ever tells you you’re wrong or that you’re acting like a dipsh*t from ages 20-42 and you start to believe you’re invincible. Maybe it starts with referring to yourself in the third person. Then next thing you know you wake up one day and honestly believe that sending a grown *ss woman you don’t know a phone pic of you tuggin’ your junk in nothing but Crocs will get you 100% laid and stay 100% secret. For all the DW knows, Brett Favre also thinks clouds are made of Cotton Candy and that you can get a woman pregnant just by lookin’ at her funny.
Anyway, you get the idea. Opportunity added to delusion added to power added to more opportunity and delusion added to a dude’s natural inability to stop thinking about a new place to put his c*ck equals ideas like, “Hey, you know what’s better than f*cking Sienna Miller? F*cking Sienna Miller and the nanny!”
Here’s to never finding your dude on top of, underneath, or behind a nickname like “Bombshell”. Oucharoo.
Okay, DW, now that you’ve crushed my hopes of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson ever being faithful to me once we’re married (unless I’m with him 24/7, which isn’t a bad idea), where can we connect with you online to get more of your witty advice?
Join my Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Dude-Whisperer/91255619523 or subscribe to my blog: http://thedudewhisperer.wordpress.com/.
All right, I promised you a contest. What do you think about what The DW said? Do you agree or disagree? Do you have more advice to offer Argwicbcp? Leave your thoughts in the comments below for a chance to win a book with sexy, faithful heroes from my personal stash of romance novels.
Random.org will pick the winners. First place winner gets to choose one book first. Then the second place winner gets to choose one book. Contest ends at 8:00 PM EST. I’ll announce the winner(s) by 9:00 PM EST. You then have 48 hours to post in the comments which book you’d like and to send your mailing address to delaneydiamond(at)ymail.com. After 48 hours I’ll pick another winner.
The Devil You Know, Liz Carlyle (historical)
Her Last Line of Defense, Marie Donovan (Harlequin Blaze)
Second Chance Baby, A.C. Arthur (Kimani Romance)
Claiming King’s Baby, Maureen Child (Harlequin Silhouette)
Mistress on Demand, Maggie Cox (Harlequin Presents)
At the top right is the schedule of upcoming guests. Subscribe to this blog or join me on Facebook so you don’t miss future interviews with special guests.